Another death in the family as of late. My favorite cousin's (a title which simply means she's the only one I can stand) grandmother passed away, thankfully peacefully in her sleep.

I normally detest and avoid funerals and weddings, both having become a contemporary faux stage to show off our acting skills. I can provide nobody with any consolation. What would I say? Hey, at least she's happy up there, right? Funerals are for the living, and I can do nothing for the living. For the dead, I can pray, although I think it's fairly futile.

Getting back to the point, my cousin and aunt (cousin's mother) were crying at the funeral. I felt sick, looking at my cousin, pillar of strength, honor student, sitting there inconsolable. So this is how normal people behave when a relative dies, I couldn't help thinking. At my own grandmother's funeral, I tried really hard to cry, I really did. Couldn't do it. When my aunt died, I felt like my waxen face was melting, so heavy were the corners. I mean, to be honest, my aunt wasn't ever very nice to most of us, but she was my aunt. She probably loved us in some dark corner of her heart. Recently, a good friend Lou passed away. Couldn't cry. Instead, all I could do whenever I remembered him was smile, that was all I would ever do when he was around, his energy was so contagious. Apparently, I have issues, so I have yet to lose someone without whom I would feel so lost and alone that I would cry for myself at the sheer injustice of it all. How can you cry for someone who's passed on? They're obviously in a far better place than we are. All we can do is cry for ourselves, mourn the fact that the rest of our lives will be that much more ordinary without them around to brighten it up.

Sometimes, pointless rambling helps get it all out.