At last, after three (or possibly four under the new degree programs) years, you are finally about to be released into the world. This is a perilous time for all, because people have started flipping out for no reason. Sensible males will start talking about feelings and sentimental nonsense, merely all conversation in groups will turn to the imminent descent into the big, bad, world, and, although nobody will mention it, you're all going to miss each other.

A friend once remarked on how you could tell which year someone at a university cafeteria belongs to: If the people are excitedly chattering about movies, music, outings and other various things that require taking out time to have fun, they're newbies. If a bunch of students is sitting together earnestly discussing upcoming projects and assignments and how to go about them, they're in the middle of their degrees. If the bunch of students have red eyes and are wincing and frowning at every loud noise like they have a hangover, they're seniors. Forgive them, they haven't slept in a while. These are the lessons learnt the hard way by the latter category:

Teachers are idiots. You think you're good at talking through your hat about things you know nothing about (i.e. "topi pehnaana") and making it sound like you're an expert on said subject? Think again. This is what teachers do best. Most teachers have little to no idea about what's going on. All they know is that they have kids to feed and a thesis to write and homework of their own to complete so they don't want to put up with any of your idiotic antics. They have taught the same course contents to varying blank faces semester after semester and they know it by heart. By now, if you've identified the most gullible of the teachers and learnt how to exploit this gullibility, you'll do just fine.

Do not defy the brotherhood/sisterhood. Let's face it, its the final semester and you're pissed off. You cannot wait to get the hell out of this place, so you're in a perpetual bad mood. Additionally, when people do things guaranteed to piss you off further, like give lectures on what is morally "right" and "wrong" instead of teaching you the course matter, you cannot resist letting them have it. My advice: let it slide. Teachers in universities are all a part of an elite brotherhood, united by disgruntlement at their salaries. To go against one is to be put in the teacher blacklist. Your only form of retaliation: get chummy with one teacher and tactfully bring the subject around to their colleagues and watch the fur (and mild expletives) fly.

University Cafeterias: no food is good news. This one may apply universally. I kept wondering why is it that it took me three years to come to the conclusion that cafeteria food is best left to the cats (if they'll touch it, that is... a lesson I learned the hard way). The reason is that, as mentioned previously, seniors are a hungry bunch. They, and many juniors as well, are held hostage by merciless schedules and forced to attend classes from early morning to early evening. Brains numb, heads pounding and barely able to think straight, they head for nourishment and even if they were provided bat-dropping sandwiches, I assure you they would eat them. In contrast, when one such individual is taken out for a real dinner, he/she is confounded (and a little frightened) by what their tastebuds are experiencing. In addition to being cheap, easy to warm up multiple times and being able to last several days without any alarming changed to its exterior, cafeteria food serves the function of containing just enough nutrients to allow students to take notes in class, but not enough to encourage independent thought and hence revolt at the unappealing fare served on a daily basis. In fact, many days food shall arrive much later than scheduled, a clever ploy designed to leave students starving and ready to consume anything that is not moving placed in front of them.

The fine art of "topibaaz"-ing. In essence, my friend, when you graduate, if you have not learned how to bluff your way through murky intellectual territory, you have learned nothing and wasted a great deal of your time and money. Remember how the guy who had the quickest draw in the west would always win? In Pakistani universities, if you can pull off answering a question that you have no idea about or give a presentation about a topic with as much swagger as John Wayne, and make everyone else buy it, you're destined for the top!